Welcome back.

It's time.

It’s time for things to change. I’m not talking about all the big and little things literally everywhere that need to change, I’m talking about me. You may be aware that I’ve had this Substack for years while hardly using it. And you’re probably unaware that I intended to have one for years before finally signing up.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve done the same silly thing. If I “miss the boat” I never try to board it again. Occasionally I even pretend that the boat never existed at all. Never mind the fact that the boat may still be at the dock waiting for me or has barely moved or that I could hop on a dingy and get there without missing much. Nope. I missed it. It’s too late. I failed. Game over.

As you can imagine, this has caused various issues for me. After all it’s probably better to be late than never take the trip at all... Right? I can say this and understand it and yet continue to act the way I do when I miss the boat. Aren’t people funny?

I got over that feeling ever so slightly when I did finally sign up for Substack. And then I had to get over it all over again when I finally published something. And here I am, literally years later, trying to get over it again. Third time’s the charm? Is this the third time? I don’t even want to know.

I have a bit of a plan but in true me fashion, I haven’t had time to develop that plan. Life got in the way, as it does. So instead of letting this sit any longer, I thought I would try to once again exercise my writing muscle and just put something here, even if it’s not part of The Plan.

In college I wrote poetry. I read it at open mic events are various coffee shops, too. I’ve always liked writing. It turned into a bit of a chore when it became part of my job working in independent media. I’ve enjoyed that task over the years and the writing I still do as part of my jobs, but it isn’t my writing and it doesn’t speak to people the way I want to. That’s what I want to work back to.

I suffer very significantly from impostor syndrome. Which is hilarious if you know me and all of the things I’ve done. I can do a lot of things and can learn new things quickly. Thankfully there are always people out there who notice and give me the room and opportunity to do and learn. Despite my accomplishments and feedback from so many people, I still feel as though I’ve tricked them and I really shouldn’t be there at all. I changed my major something like five times in college and left with a degree in psychology simply because I needed to leave... Lest I be there forever. I don’t know what I’m doing.

But do any of us know what we’re doing? I’ve finally been able to admit that I do have something to offer and that I do have a unique voice that can speak to people who need to hear it. I’m finally going to give that some space and see what happens.

In more ways than one I need a hard reset in my life. Very hard. And very right now. I’m sure you’ve felt a feeling like that before. Writing here is going to be part of that. I can tell you (and should tell myself) that this reset isn’t going to look anything like I think it should. But it’s going to happen. I know it is. The signs are everywhere—literally. And I’m going to actually listen to them this time.

Last weekend, I found myself at a conference. It was a collision of worlds, though these worlds are already very connected (isn’t everything?). It was really a collision of my worlds. Which was great.

Unsurprisingly, the signs were present. In eyes, in long overdue embraces, in gentle reminders, in conversations. Oh, the conversations.

In high school, I had a little green crossbody bag that had a few patches on it (from local bands, I think), some buttons, and some words that I painted on the side with black ink: choose to change it. I’m choosing to change it right now. It’s time.

I really wish I still had that bag.